The administration of Northeast Middle has requested us to remove one of the stories of this issue. See our latest press release for more details. We're sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you.
Alright, you're not going to believe this but it's true. Some absolute thug drew a satanic symbol outside of door 8 in pink chalk. Our sources state that the students first noticed the "devious lick" on August 29th, 2023. This is what the our primary sources say the symbol looked like, except pink:
We asked two of Northeast's very own 6th grade scholars their thoughts about this incident, and their response was, "Satan for the win." and "I plead the fifth." As of August 31th, 2023, the symbol remains there, for all the parents to see during the 6th grade mandatory meeting.
This week, the after-school activities were announced, and students have been reasonably disappointed. GSA, English Language Learners (ELL) Homework Help, 8th Believe Math Homework, and Jazz Band don't even apply to most or all 6th graders because 1. GSA is for people who want to "bring awareness to LGBTQ+ issues in our community.", which is a small minority in this school and an even smaller minority wants to get mistaken for a gay/lesbian person or a transgender person. Furthermore, many would think a microscopic amount of students are going to want to get bullied RELENTLESSLY for being in GSA, and you know parkway ain't gonna do nothing about it. 2. I believe most students at this school know how to speak, read, and write English, so ELL is out of the question. 3. Jazz band is for a "select group of band members." Y'all know NONE of the 6th graders are skilled enough to be in a band when we've only been playing for 2 weeks. 4. None of us are in 8th grade so 8th Believe Math Help is out of the question.
Moving on to sports, the only sports activities are tennis and cross-country. Tennis is a less popular sport than ICE HOCKEY and GOLF. AIN'T NOBODY FINNA BE PLAYING TENNIS, so don't expect to play "friendly matches with your friends'" BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS WON'T EVEN BE THERE. Furthermore, cross-country is just running. All it is is running.
Moving on to the miscellaneous stuff, Diamond Dot Craft sounds like the most quirky thing ever. To those who think Minecraft Camp sounds fun: IT WON'T BE. This is school after all, and the only Minecraft you'll be playing is Minecraft Education Edition. If you want to play actual Minecraft, we here at Banana Industries recommended joining our minecraft server (the instructions aren't up yet, but once they are click Banana Industries Minecraft Server on our homepage), or join the Saint Louis Science Center esports program (we are not affiliated with them), although they don't have any Minecraft events coming up, they have a Rocket League one and a Smash Bros. tournament coming up. For leadership, you know that Parkway isn't gonna do JACK about your concerns. Also homework help is for nerds. Chess is for the cooler nerds.
Sorry about the big rant. That concludes the first issue of the Banana Industries Times. See you next Monday.
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