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This week during World Geography in Newton's class, some absolute gangsta named Eli brought a taser to school. We're not quite sure the day or period it happened, but what we do know is the kid got caught lacking after the taser went off in his backpack, and was sent out of the room, presumably to speak to the Northeast administrators. Surprisingly, he was sent back a few minutes later. We're not sure if they got a phone call home or what, because the kid definitely was not suspended. This story is limited on information, so if you've got something to add, email us at support@banana.industries, preferably not on your school account though.
Last week, student Caleb Drake and another unknown person were suspended after the two got in a fight. They will return Tuesday, September 12th 2023. That is all we know.
Recently, there has been a sudden surge of more and more people staying inside for recess in favor of playing on their Chromebooks. The symptoms of this illness include, but are not limited to: lack of communication, short attention span, yet somehow hyper focus on their computer, and fear of the sunlight. One game in particular called "Drift Boss" is the main game they play, although another variation of the illness has its hosts watch YouTube Shorts. In Drift Boss, you have to very precisely maneuver a car through a narrow path in the air. If at any point in the game you maneuver the car wrong, it will fall off and you lose. Despite its simple nature, it has proven to be addicting. There are reports of it being contagious, although it isn't confirmed.
In case it wasn't obvious, we used illness and epidemic as a metaphor for addiction.
On September 8th, we obtained information suggesting that Wehnmeyer had been involved in a car accident. Turns out, that is true. Apparently, her car was totaled, however she suffered no injuries. That is all we know.
Thank you for reading this issue of the Banana Industries Times. Last week, we got reports estimating that 25 people had read our stories. I'd like to thank y'all for reading.
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